You dont know what to expect. I have. I hope more people read your site and I am recommending it to my dear friends. You find that they emotionally drain you, you dont know this at first but long after the relationship you think what was I doing! I still deal with the latter. Demonizing this disorder doesnt help to educate anyone and it certainly doesnt encourage understanding or healing. Although your closeness to her is triggering her fears and sensitivities, your ability to trigger her also means that you are capable of helping her get over the fears that are causing her to lash out. From Borderline to Beautiful Podcast tackles tough topics and provides information and insight into borderline personality disorder. It is not their fault, it wont likely get better and without understanding of what is going on, they can do alittle to change things. BPD affects the sexual functioning of many of those who suffer. wow!! I have done my best to provide some of this basic foundational information in several blog posts on this website. This article is the most illuminated one Ive found that addresses the dynamic of these relationships and the role I played: The Nice Guy. But new research suggests that many men find traits associated with borderline personality disorder to be appealing in physically attractive women. Nicola, sorry if I this is not the main topic of your blog, I just wanted to say this for *young nice guys* that have trouble lying to get laid: derive your self-worth and self-respect from yourself only, do not use flirting and the modern woman (and any kind of external validation whatsoever) to feel better or prideful, this must be a daily and inner working. No matter what it left ous both in such pain that heart both of ous there was nothing easy about this new Im stoke cant fix anything this mixed up god lord I cant even hard reboot and start all over they wanted me to fall and her to stay in there control ! PsyPost is a psychology and neuroscience news website dedicated to reporting the latest research on human behavior, cognition, and society. The reason these proclamations of love are so compelling is that she is not lying. I have explained things many times, and even thought things out, but over a month it just goes in one big circle. 1-My High Conflict girlfriends new husband has a history of marrying High Conflict women (3 failed previous marriages to be exact). Ernie, although this comment seems to be in response to Shawn, I wanted to let you know that there are options for people whose partners have traits of BPD which are not severe enough to quality for diagnosis. Those who are not as far out on the spectrum usually are not loner types. Any hint of criticism or perceived criticism was met with resistance. Probably. They would stay with me as long as we had sex all of the time but I always worried that after the sex they would leave.. Are you aware of any good materials (books) that cover bpd in women, in detail? in fact, I did not become full bpd until age 26 when I had to give up my autistic children. I get treatment for anxiety, I have a little social phobia, not that I dont like other people, I just dont care for large crowds of strangers, this makes me somewhat of a homebody. I would lower my standards and have sex with people I didnt even like just to not be alone. It might be more accurate to describe it as using selective amnesia for the parts of their history that dont serve their new narrative. If your perspective was accurate about all men, I could support your reasoning for staying emotionally disengaged from men. Id like to recommend your site & excellent advice but she is so over emotional & insecure I fear it would be taken as negative feedback & would send her into even more tantrums & histrionics. These articles arent encouraging abandonment, they are giving a warning and providing education for those in a relationship, thinking about starting a relationship, or going through the incredible heartbreak of a lost relationship with someone that has these traits. Schedule a mindset coaching session today here: https://www.skeetersstrength.com/product/individual-sessions/ Get your gear here: https://thrive-merchandise.creator-spring.com/? You have been an incredible help. Jenny, although the behaviors that may go along with BPD can be hurtful, they can also be stopped. Check out this article for confirmation of this assertion: https://ct.counseling.org/2022/10/not-a-monster-destigmatizing-borderline-personality-disorder/ In this episode, I interview Vasu, creator of the podcast artwork, and fellow recovering warrior. So, there is nothing wrong with being a nice guy. Are these people good or bad by character? Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), aka Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, is an illness that can make you struggle with your emotions. Not really it is a mental problem. No there isnt the article is spot on. A text from me to firm up a time/ date two days ago was AGAIN greeted with silenceMy final firm text summed up of all my thoughts and i see no reason for us to ever talk again. The merry-go-round pattern of feeling the need to consistently please others in order to avoid being alone causes instability of mood and instability in relationships. Went from hero to zero in a flash. I can look back and see how I fell so in love with her. I'm the Mental Health Editor here at The Mighty. I know that if I was to ever cheat, he would be gone. WE all have our faults. What your girlfriend may have seen in you and reflected back to would be your real qualities. When we enter a relationship, we are expected to be able to give up our self-centered ways and treat our partners interests as equally important as our own. The more I research this condition the more I see similarities in others experiences. I know they are real and she meant them but I wonder if someone like her or women with traits of BPD feel betrayed when those proclamations are not returned or at least not as equal. Some people may disagree with me at first, but as someone with BPD, Im going to have to say Anakin Skywalker from Star Wars. I highly relate to him The symptoms he portraysof BPD include preoccupations and fears of abandonment and loss, separation difficulties, intense passion and sensitive emotional responses, his sensitivity to potential slights, impulsiveness, anger bursts, feelings of being lost, empty and extremely unsure about identity, paranoid ideation about who is on his side and the frequent intense shifts between what he thinks, does and how he feels towards people in his life like splitting. Does your spouse often go very quickly from one emotion to another? Its easier I think for BPD sufferers to live how they are because they fear something bad will happen. In my experience, and even other women Ive observed, men are only looking to use women for sex and theyll say anything to get it. Fast forward 2.5 years. Given every chance you can. I would like to share my story about my now twice ex girlfriend that exhibits many, many traits of someone with BPD. As I began to develop an adult body, boys increasingly sought out my company. I know I said its best to move on but I really care about this woman and though I know a romantic relationship is out the question, I want to help her (this is the nice guy part of me). Then she may notice that once youre gone she is feeling very warm towards you. We are not bad people. Joanna Nicola does an generally brilliant job at explaining the intricacies of BPD. Stay positive but insist on moving forward. You might lessen the conflict of the high conflict partner, but it will likely always be high maintenance with her. Is it just not being able to give up that control along with a fear of rejection? Is it possible that these people dispice everyone including parents, relatives, siblings, colleagues & ex partners? 6. It is amazing to sit back, read your response, and have it resonate so much with my situation. Unfortunately, the woman with traits of BPD just may be the ultimate con artist, a person who fools herself into believing she can sustain a relationship as well as fooling you. Men have been taught to respect women in general. Its a no win in so many ways. But the person with traits of BPD masquerades as a nice guy (girl) type, and they are often the nice guy types first close relationship with an insecure and abusive person, which the world is sadly full of. This would quickly give way to the merry-go-round, the fear of being left alone. Rob, I am so sorry to hear this is happening to you. The one question I cant find an answer to is why do women with BPD bother to get onto relationships when they know they are going to fail? Couldnt answer a simple question like yes or no. It can be done, but therapists are not trained in these techniques. Some of the best Ive seen and I think Ive just about read it all at this point. It simply mean I have no right to put everything I feel or do out of some emotional wave on anyone. As a person with BPD I can safely assure you that we most certainly do not enter a relationship to con anyone! Are women like this so blinded by their present emotions that they tend to rewrite history? You know theres something not quite right but when you leave it it kind of all unraveled. Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a condition you may have heard of, but perhaps don't fully understand. Though the film does a fairly good job of portraying BPD in a humanizing (and comedic) way, one of the plot points isnt completely accurate. Thank you so much for this article. May be you do not understand what bdp is. To understand the individual troubling behaviors it can be helpful to do searches within forums for people recovering from BPD. I relented. You could end up feeling VERY guilty if you were to know the pain they may inflict on themselves. Im a little confused, however. In anyway ! It was the fifth devaluation, and even with the relationship being an arms length one, this latest one was enough for me and I set her very straight on that fact! stuff. I apparently had no idea about our relationship though she had maintained throughout that she had told him And he sounded like one more of those nice guys when he tried to console me after learning about our relationship and breakupHe said all girls are hard and she is one of themI gave him her number as that was what he wanted and we never spoke againI suppose he tried to patch up with her and may be they are in touch over phone (he stays in the US while her & me here in IndiaI have a few things to clear up though Now she is in a horrible depressive state, and I am getting her into a 2-month hospital treatment program. Contact us today at 1-844-9-THRIVE. They have the same morals that the average person has. Mood swings: To an untrained eye, a PTSD response could look like a panic attack, an overreaction, or unnecessary dramatization. As she was calming down she uttered I am such a basket case, I dont know how you put up with me to which I replied Because youre worth it. More likely these changes are due to instability in Jasmines view of the relationship. Her care has been taken over by Brooke, a plastic-surgery addicted cousin, who lets her drink beer, tells her she is not allowed to go to certain places but never seems to really care what Evie is doing, and disappears for days at a time. They often dont realize that controlling negative impulses is how the average person puts their morals into practice, so they may mistakenly believe that they are bad people. [Now], I would have a different outlook on that character.. Something I am not sure someone like her is capable of without serious help. Because he knows better than to trust on face value, he will be much more likely to cut his losses when he discovers her true nature. 10 years married, one seven year old son. But they dont need to acknowledge that they have a disorder to learn these skills on their own. Both nice-guy types and women with traits of BPD tend to believe that the other possesses the same natural skills and deficits. Throughout the film, Tracy struggles with self-harm (cutting), and Evie, who came from a more obviously broken home, introduces Tracy to the world of sex, drugs and crime. If your spouse suffers from significant symptoms of this disorder, you are most likely affected on a daily basis. And yes I have a problem with emotional regulation and emotional intensity HOWEVER bpd DOES NOT guarantee that every relationship is doomed to failure or that people with bpd are all abusive, selfish, unreliable, hypocritical, or untrustworthy. Noones perfect, not even you! I honestly cry every time I watch this movie because I feel so validated. We lived together for 3 years and dated for 1..her daughter hated me from day one and it just got worse..the break came after the daughter had a violent fit after I ate something she wanted (I didnt do it deliberately)..my ex argued we not break up but live apart till kids grow up and I agreed but said that if she felt as though it was working to be upfront and honest and break up as an adult..week later she broke up ..I had not heard from her in a week since moving out Anytime I challenged her she would turn it back on me but i stuck by her until the last 2 weeks. Just to add she always wanted to be do things alone. Another things that has been said is why does everyone I love leave me?? He loves me dearly and I love him. The first step in deepening empathic ability is to become aware that there is always an emotional component, or subtext, to communication between people in intimate relationships. I hope hes right! The more I loved her, the less she wanted to be with me. If you want to try out some of the basic techniques of this method for free to see if this method is right for your situation, you can learn them from an intro guide flip-book here or a PDF version of the intro guide here. In future posts, additional tools will be described and illustrated to further increase your ability to understand the emotions of people you care about and craft responses that are both effective and loving. is there any evidence that people who come to acknowledge they have traits of BPD have a better outcome than those who dont? We offer mindset coaching only for individuals nationally and internationally. i.e. I know therapy is very expensive, but even if you can only afford a few sessions, it is essential you get professional guidance on how to navigate through this very difficult time. when you know its only going to get worse, more irrational and the warmth of the idealization phase is pretty much gone, lol.